What do you do when only one spouse wants to divorce?

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I say,  “Yes!”

You say, “No!”

I say, “Stop”

You say, “Go, go, go!”

Is this a familiar conversation with your spouse?  Does one of you want to get out of the relationship, but the other one wants to preserve it?

In my mediation and divorce coaching practice, I have been observing an interesting trend, where the wife wants out of the marriage moreso than the husband.  What I originally believed to be atypical has become the norm, with more and more women initiating the divorce process.  Regardless of gender or whether it is the husband or wife seeking the dissolution of marriage, when only one party wants to affirmatively end the marriage, the other party is often less than motivated to cooperate in the process.  The spouse, who does not want the divorce, does not want to incur the costs related to the separation including, but not limited to the need to find additional housing, the costs related to potential spousal and/or child support, the costs for mediators or lawyers, etc. etc. etc.  In addition to the typical emotional and financial issues that accompany any divorce, this scenario adds another twist:  the spouse who does not want to divorce often also has the power to control the tempo of the divorce process.  In mediation and divorce coaching sessions, we discuss the importance of cooperation, interests of the parties, and maintaining a balance of power in the negotiations.  So, how can a mediator or divorce coach assist, when one spouse wants to stay married and the other wants out??

1. Listen and Learn.  Find out why one spouse wants to divorce and the other spouse wants to stay married.  Determining the interests of each is critical to the success of any mediation process.
2. Educate.  Teach each spouse about both the litigation and mediation processes, and the pros/cons of each method.
3. Reveal.  Explain the financial implications of intentionally protracting the process.
4. Parse and Discuss.  Separate the emotions from the intellect.  Talk about the emotional triggers, and then discuss how to approach each issue intellectually, exploring various available options for resolution.

… and to all of the spouses out there, who don’t want to get divorced…

Dear I-Want-to-Stay-Married:

I know you are hurt.  Devastated.  I know that you are emotionally exhausted.  I know that the one person you had trusted, who you loved unconditionally, who you believed would be there with you for the long-run, has crushed your sole and your spirit.  Before reacting from a place of pain, I want you to consider a few things:

First, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?  Don’t you deserve much better?  When you let go of the hurt, you will open yourself up to the opportunity for a new-and-improved relationship!  Imagine your post-divorced life, and what qualities you might look for in a new partner!  This is an opportunity to start over!  Relish the opportunity!

Second, like it or not, your spouse will proceed with this divorce.  You can’t force someone to stay married to you, and do you really want that anyway??  Fighting the process will only create more hostility for your family and increase the financial burden you are already facing.  By putting aside your emotions and approaching this separation calmly and intellectually, you will decrease the overall financial burden of divorce and increase your ability to control your destiny.

For some support during this difficult time of your life, consider reaching out to a family law mediator and/or divorce coach, who can listen to your concerns and develop a plan that will help guide you through the challenges you will face and prepare you for the next chapter of your life.